Powered by
  • Home
  • About Evan Tan
  • Published Work
  • Contact
A WRITER IN MANILA.

To Oppose the Pause

2/5/2017

Comments

 
Picture
Photo taken in Angkor Wat, Cambodia, 2012
Stop. Stop right there. 
​
If you wish for it to make sense, the quickest way to do things is to stop. Sensibility demands precision; precision demands pause. But if you pause, that is surely the quickest way to leaving everything to non-completion. Because, as you know, once you pause, that is when the creeping feeling of fear and anxiety and self-loathing comes in, that thought wherein you wonder: am I good enough? Am I worth it? Do I deserve anyone's attention? 

And so you hem and haw, and then you put down your pen, or turn off your laptop--and suddenly the quiet comes to be filled by the thoughts in your head that suffocate you in the middle of the night. These are the thoughts that constantly battle within you, that only once in a strange night such as this dissipate, as if a light slices through the dark and leads you to a path. 

Here. Go here. At the end is where you want to go.

And so you take the first step. One, two. Your feet like a toddler finding its way, with hesitation. You go forward, and as you gain your balance you break into a smile. I can make it! I can make it, you scream inside. The light beckons and you are almost there. You can feel the warmth of the light on your face. The morning sun at the break of dawn. 

Something new: a beginning.

But the drop falls in the middle of the silent water,  creating ripples: 

You can't. Stop. Stop right there.

And then you remember the many times you've failed. You remember the many times you've been rejected. The fear and the worry and the anger echoes, bouncing off the walls, getting louder. You lose your balance, and you reach for the ground. You curl into a whorl going inside, eternally pulling yourself back within, where nothing can harm, where nothing can hurt you further.

Stop. Stop right there.

You're seeking precision, a precision like a knife that cuts perfectly into fat and muscle and bone--each part identified with little pointers that tell you what things are so easily.  Where everything is comfortably knowable. 

But what you really must know is you need to learn to go.

You need to learn to let go. 
Like us on Facebook: Writer in Manila

Comments
    HELLO, MY NAME IS EVAN TAN.

    ​I'm a writer and communications professional based in Manila, Philippines. Outside of my regular job, I like to travel, work out, volunteer, watch movies and plays, go to art galleries/ fairs and museums, read books, and eat vegetarian food.

    ​
    More about me here.
    ​

    Creative Commons License

    Archives

    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013

    Categories

    All
    Art
    Art Project
    Bagan
    Business
    Career
    Creativity
    Desiderata
    Education
    Fiction
    Film
    Freelancer
    Freelancer.com
    Freelancing
    Gay
    Georgetown
    Health
    History
    IDAHOT
    Ideation
    Internet
    Juan Luis Garcia
    Kuala Lumpur
    LGBT
    Literature
    Malaysia
    Marketing
    Microfiction
    Myanmar
    News
    Noynoy
    Old Boy
    Personal Branding
    Personal Life
    Philippines
    Pnoy
    Pop Culture
    Pride
    Reflections
    Rudyard Kipling
    Science & Tech
    Self Improvement
    Self-Improvement
    SOGIE
    Spike Lee
    Story
    Taipei
    Taiwan
    Taxumo
    The Library Underground
    Travel
    Two50two
    Typhoon Haiyan
    Vegetarianism
    World Events
    Writer In Manila
    Writing
    Yolanda

Powered by
  • Home
  • About Evan Tan
  • Published Work
  • Contact
Powered by
Powered by
✕